Day 6: Scale damage Alert!

My scale broke. Every time I stepped on it I'd get a widely different number which normally I wouldn't care about (because good god man! normally I would NEVER weigh myself!) but now that's a serious problem. So I ran over to CVS and got a new one. I tested it 5 times in a row and I'm at 218. I KNOW that I didn't gain anything from yesterday so the other scale was off.

I weigh 218 on Thursday May 14 2010. 48 pounds to lose to get to 170. I should be there by next week if I cut off my legs.

Still good but not as rapid as I thought I was experiencing at the beginning or maybe it is, maybe I started out weighing more than 229 when I started my life changing detox. hmmm

I'm not starving but I'm fucking CRAVING. Spinach dips with blue cheese and crusty bread. Gyros with extra sauce and tasty meat. French fries and ketchup, cheese crackers, steak, bagel with butter, pastrami. Hot dogs. Pizza!!!
This is tough but I look at myself, thinking about my life and how I feel in it with the people around me... I feel I can get a little distance outside of it and see how crucial and wonderful this journey is for me. This is so much more than simply losing weight, this is about cleansing my mind and body. Without such a debilitating addiction to food I'm starting to see everything else differently or rather for what it really is. I worship food because it brings me comfort not nutrition, not as fuel but as my reason for being. Taking the joy (if that's the right word) out of food and looking at it more as just a fuel opens my world up to a lot more than it's been. I'm still figuring this out. I enjoy the juices and fruit and right now the concept of taking th ejoy out of eating really frightens me; like I have been dumped. I also understand that enjoying eating is one of lifes pleasures but I take it to such another level - I base my existance on food to give me the structure, security and validation to keep me going - thats really fucked up. My current conception of the Joy of food (and as far back as I can remember) is a crippling unhealthy addiction.

I eat until I'm stuffed, gorged. Then I feel uncomfortable and bloated and want to throw up. I wake up feeling even worse, sluggish and in pain. My binges do nothing to help me just like shooting up heroin or snorting cocaine feels awesome until the rush is over.

I'm starting to see life around me a little bit differently and a lot of bright light shining through the cracks in those walls I've built over the last 42 years of my time on Earth.

Still sick but I feel better. Nose stuffed, aches, feels like a cold. I wonder if its just a cold I would have gotten anyway or is this because of the detox.

It feels like it's going to be a tough day on the detox but I'll get through it. I want to run home, turn on the TV and eat fried chicken and gravy . I shall overcome.

and so it goes...