Pre Day 1

Full disclosure (well kinda)

My Name is Greg and Im really, really uncomfortable in my own skin. Im about 60 pounds overweight and scared of being in public like there is a large thick plastic lid on top of me that I cant break through.

In a similiar reality Id be the guy living in an apartment with 6 cats and a lot of empty pizza boxes watching the world go by hidden behind a window; luckily its not that bad but damn its getting close.

I never felt great about how I looked especially the physical aspect. I dealt much better with it in my 20s and early 30s because I exercised a lot and my metablosim was much faster - I was able to eat without it affecting me to badly but I was always a slave to food.. .and still am. Make no mistake Ive been battling my weight on an up and down rollercoaster since I was a kid.

Depression, self worth, fear and shame - these are the demons that hang around me and that I feed - Ive done a lot to get rid of them but in the end I never severed it completely and it builds and builds and builds.

A big key is for me to overcome my addiction and reliance on food, I need to eat so I can live but I treat my food like a heroin addict, (all hail glorious delectable food) and to allow myself to to live without this monkey on my back, rebuild myself the way I feel deep inside - not encombered by these feeling of fear and self loathing and the strict fanatical devotion to eating above everything. Its my security blanket and it has been for as long as I can remember.

Im scared:

of other people, judgement
of playing volleyball or any sport for that matter
of walking
of my body
of looking at my fat
of seeing my friends

Im sick of:

all of that crap
of being fat
of feeling like an alien tourist in my own skin

Im hate that Im not free and feeling good. I really want to be.

Im going to eat my fear and be the man I was afraid to be. Im going to lose 60 pounds of depressing weight and stop my devotion to food. You know that eat to live dont live to eat line... Im going to turn all of this negative emotion into positve energy and stop fucking living in my own shadow.

Yeah but I always say that and always attempt to do that but I never change. Its true, but this time its different... I always say that too.... I really hate being fat and frightened and uncomfortable - its not the way I ever wanted to live but its been ruling me all of my life. I dont like to admit things that scare me. Im fat. I weigh 229 pounds. Ugh.. I weigh 229 pounds. 5 years ago I weighed 180 and I thought I was overweight - what the hell I have I done to myself? I let it happen and did my best to ignore it.

So anyway... Im going to start a 21 day detox. my first day is Saturday May 8. Why a detox? because physically and symbolically I need a fresh start and this is the way to do it.

Milada, Mia this is for you. You deserve the best and a happy and florishing Greg is good for all Melli-Jones'. Milada, you are the one that showed me anything in this life is possible and a worthwhile if you want it. You can be a fearless badass. I love you and our daughter more than anything in this world.

I have a juicer, vitamins, and a plan.

229 pounds